it all comes right down to you.

the whole point of starting this blog was, for me to put down my thought in a more organised way, i suppose. so i guess complicated thoughts should count too. afterall, it's not like anybody ever read this blog anyway, so it's okay to spill them here i think.
you know, sometimes i wonder whether "i'm fine" is some sort of an automatic reply to "how are you?" because, how else should we respond right? couldn't possibly tell a stranger that your head is in the biggest mess period. right? unless a very, very close friend asks you of this, then it's up to you whether or not to break down and cry. because that's what friends do for you. and that's what you do for your friends too.
but it's sort of different when the friends that you confide in are not there to see what's going on with your life. don't get me wrong, i love my college friends, i love them a whole lot even. but i have only known them for a mere 3 months or so, and god knows how hard it is for me to confide in people. so, it's really kind of weird knowing that i have to go through kdu without dyra & jo. i have known them since forever, & i can tell them practically everything. every string of thoughts, every root of a problem, every broken piece of my life. everything. & i miss that really. sure, they're only a phone call away, but then we have different schedules & such. well, it's just different, you know?
& i wonder why i'm typing this right now. all of the sudden i feel like i've been taking things for granted. like how i'm supposed to be thankful that my life isn't bad at all compared to those people facing the war & stuff. & the fact that i get to eat relatively good food, wear relatively good clothings & live in a relatively peaceful country. yes, i get that, alright? i'm lucky. & i know i am. i really do, okay?
but sometimes i can't help but feel like there is an enormous void inside me. enormous okay? maybe it's because of my family's current situation. or maybe i'm just mengada-ngada. or perhaps this has something to do with the faridmyra thing, & how much i loathe what myra is doing. perhaps this has something to do with my ridiculous exam results. or the fact that. hmm. entah.

maybe. its just hormones?
well i have no idea.